“The secret is to accept the content of your sexual fantasies and understand it as just that — a fantasy.“
Most of us never stop to wonder about how we were sexually socialized. We all grew up with subtle messages about sex and sexuality that we take for granted.
Unfortunately, too many of us have internalized messages about sex and sexual fantasies being bad, dirty, shameful or naughty. Some think that enjoying sex and fantasies signals a failure of moral character. This is especially common for women after experiencing negative sexual events like rape, sexual abuse, assault, sexual harassment and painful sex.
There are two essential mechanisms that need to occur for sexual stimulation. Your parasympathetic nervous system needs to kicks in for you to become relaxed. But your sympathetic nervous system also needs to rev up for sexual stimulation. Millions of women actually have sexual fantasies about being placed in a coercive sexual situations. Yet none would enjoy that situation if it actually occurred because if “real” danger or threat occurs, those physical mechanics can’t happen and therefore enjoyment is a forgone conclusion.
Many people struggle with severe guilt about their sexual fantasies but the truth is, most of us have woefully little control over what turns us on.
The secret is to accept the content of your sexual fantasies and understand it as just that — a fantasy. Most fantasies were never meant to be played out or mean you are deprived in any way. Some even say your sexual fantasies are always politically incorrect.
First off, some important information. Only about 30% of women are able to orgasm by intercourse alone. Here is some important information to increase the chances your partner will reach an orgasm during sex.
The average woman requires about 12 to 15 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation to be able to orgasm, which is about two to three times longer than most men are able to last. The clitoris is not located right by the vaginal opening but, in most cases, about 2.5 cm above the opening. This all plays into why intercourse may not be the most efficient way for women to orgasm.
You can increase the prospect of your sexual partner’s orgasm by using the Coital Alignment Technique (CAT), a position that emphasizes pelvic rubbing of the partner to the clitoris.
Most women orgasm easier by oral sex and direct excitation of the clitoris and the vagina. As in the classic Kama Sutra technique of using both finger(s) (for the vagina opening) and lips (suction) for the clitoris at the same time.
Other things worth mentioning: make sure her feet are warm. Subconsciously, women register cold as pain, making orgasms harder to reach. Also, many women have a hard time staying focused on body sensations and find that their mind wanders during sex. A good way to combat this is for her to play out an erotic scene in her mind. Then repeat those details over and over again until her body is more activated. Finally, make sure to take time to fully relax and get into the mood before getting started — a relaxed state is a necessary precursor for an orgasm to happen.
Many couples experience this but find it hard to talk about. Often desire levels are unequal in otherwise healthy relationships. This is where sex therapy can help. A good place to start is to consult a Sex Therapist, who will ask questions to better understand why the problem persists. Questions such as: Do you still have sexual fantasies? Do you still (ever) masturbate? Do you experience arousal? Does the thought of having sex with your partner seem like a lot of work?
Most people don’t understand what is happening and such questions will help your Sex Therapist diagnose and treat a variety of concerns. Many individuals and couples experience a drop in or lack of desire. For women the condition is called “Female Desire Sexual Interest/Arousal disorder”. For men it’s called “Male Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder.”
Because human sexual arousal is a complicated process that involves many different mechanisms it’s not always easy to pinpoint one culprit. Many times the “reason” is a combination of factors such as; hormonal imbalance, physiological issues such as endometriosis or scar tissue after giving birth, and foreskin that is too tight — only to name a few.
Our general health can also play a factor in our sexual response, such as blood pressure, hypothyroidism, diabetes and aging.
And don’t underestimate the psychological factors playing into the issue. Anxiety, for example impacts sexual desire greatly. When anxious, the body’s sympathetic nervous system kicks in. For sexual arousal, the body’s parasympathetic nervous system needs to be activated — those two systems are polar opposites. Depression can also dampen sexual desire as can elevated stress levels caused by lack of sleep or relationship issues.
It’s often only associated with women but men also have the potential for multiple orgasms. It’s actually a common misconception that, because men experience a physical build-up of ejaculate, that they can’t experience multiple orgasms.
What was missing from our sex ed classes is the fact that men’s orgasms don’t have to go hand-in-hand with ejaculation. Nature has equipped men with a way to experience an orgasm without ejaculating, making it possible to have multiple orgasms. This is particularly useful to know given the discrepancy in how long it takes men to orgasm compared to women. Most men only last about five to seven minutes during intercourse. It takes on average 12 to 15 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation for a woman to reach an orgasm during sex.
In order to orgasm without ejaculation a man needs to practice engaging their pelvic floor muscles (the pelvic floor muscle is interconnected to the anus) before the moment of no return. And this must be practiced a fair amount. First starting with 20 minutes a day, three times a day. Try holding the muscles tight for up 30 seconds to start with. Then as your control improves try engaging those at the right time. Eventually you will be able to experience an orgasm without ejaculating. This will enable you to maintain an erection and go at it again and again and again…